Enemy of Thy Enemy
by ElGato44
Summary: What generally happens when bitter enemies and rivals have to fight against an alien force. Mostly a funny series of events...
1. Part 1

Disclaimer/Pre-Author Note: A series of funny clips came to me after having a roundtable discussion on Final Fantasy with some fun friends of mine. I played Final Fantasy 7 a long, long, time ago, so my knowledge of the characters is rusty. Well, since this is most of this is comedy, pretty much all of the characters will be OOC. And this will be somewhat AU 'cause Aerith is still alive and Midgar isn't destroyed. Now on with this wild and crazy show.

Part 1: Prelude

On a patch of farmland, several miles away from Midgar, a little girl was swinging on a rope and board swing, passing the time before it was time to do her chores. It was past lunchtime and sun's light was still prevalent, but, oddly, the sky went black. Streaks of lightning shot across the sky off in the distance. The wind picked up blowing the girl's hair around her face. Her father rushed out, fearing a tornado would hit soon. He called for his daughter, but she sat, transfixed at the whirling dark clouds in the distance. The farmer rushed to her, and yelled at her over the wind. The girl pointed out towards the clouds, where the nearest city was and the farmer glanced up.

Descending from the whirlwind was a gigantic spaceship. But it was no ordinary spaceship; it was a flat oval shape, with tentacle-like appendages underneath. A glowing blue light, that was like the ship's eye was in front of the oval disk. This ship was clearly made from technology far too advanced to be from this planet.

The glowing blue light, shone even brighter, then a beam burst forth downward. The horizon glowed orange, as where ever that beam hit burst into flame.

The farmer wasted no more time and gathered his daughter and scrambled back inside.

00000000

The 7th Heaven bar in Midgar was quiet as usual a few close friends hanging in the bar. Tifa was wiping the surface of the counter. Barret was snoring at a table and Cloud was drumming his fingers on the counter to a tune to his head, probably "Pokerface." As much as Tifa liked Cloud, she couldn't stand his constant Lady GaGa music fetish.

Aerith was glaring at Cloud, annoyed with his drumming. She was trying to tune her senses to the world, because she thought she picked up something strange, but Cloud's drumming made it hard to concentrate.

Rude and Reno burst through the doors.

"Guys, guys turn the radio on!" Reno leaped over the counter and turned on the radio. He moved the dial to clear the static.

"…_reports everywhere of UFOs around the planet, destroying towns and cities…"_

"UFO's?" Cloud asked standing. Barret snorted and awoke.

Red padded towards the counter to take a closer listen.

"…_the city of Albrecht was burned to the ground about an hour ago with few survivors. No one is certain what these crafts are and what their purpose is but so far if anyone were to spot these things in the sky you are advised to take cover underground…"_

"What the—what the hell are these things…?" Barret grumbled. Reno shrugged wide-eyed.

"Could it be from Jenova's kind?" Cloud turned and yelped stumbling backwards. He was stunned to see Vincent standing directly behind him. He practically came out of nowhere.

"Jesus! Don't do that! How many times do I have to tell you…?"

Vincent's eyes narrowed. Cloud breathed in and breathed out, his hand over his heart, "You scared the daylights out of me."

"He tends to do that every once in a while," Yuffie's jovial voice interjected as she came up beside Vincent, a wide grin on her face.

Vincent crossed his arms, "It seems we have a problem."

Barret laughed, "And you have a tendency to just appear whenever there is a call to action."

"We are _real_ good Samaritans," Yuffie nudged her taciturn friend, "Right Vinny."

The former Turk inhaled through his nose, "Why won't you leave me _alone._"

"'Cause you're my baby daddy," she said in a husky voice batting her eyelashes.

Reno's eyes went wide and he asked in a high-pitched voice, "Saaay Whaaaat?"

"It's an inside joke," Yuffie assured, patting Vincent's shoulder.

"Riiight," said Cloud in a low tone of voice, eyes shifting across the room.

"Shouldn't we be doing something?" Tifa asked trying to keep everyone on track.

"Yes," Cloud nodded, "Aerith…"

"I'm on it," the young Cetra said before mumbling, "If you'd stop playing Lady GaGa with your fingers."

She listened to the planet, searching…

"Got it, there's a disturbance near Yulunga."

Cloud clapped his hands together getting the band's attention, "To Yulunga to kick some alien ass."

00000000

The outskirts of Yulunga was quiet and deserted, most the inhabitants evacuated underground or left the city entirely. There were damage to the buildings but the town wasn't burned to a crisp as most other cities, but there were no signs of any foreign ship.

"Hellooooo!" Yuffie called into the empty streets, "Nothing here…maybe you're losing it Aerith."

"No, I still sense something…" but she was worried that there was nothing here. Literally nothing.

"Hey Rude," Reno whispered to his partner, "Let's find the nearest arcade and highjack the _Dance Dance Revolution _game."

"You still can't beat my high score in this destitute place, " the other man said in his deep voice.

Vincent walked alone along an alleyway hoping to find any evidence of what attacked this place. The debris was crowding the streets making it difficult to maneuver easily. The sound of metal clanking got his attention and he could've sworn he saw something slither amongst the rubble. He followed the disturbance to a huge pile of trash and debris. He cocked his head.

Cloud walked with Barret and Red ready to fight at the slightest movement.

"I see the devastation here, but where is—"

"Guys!" they heard Vincent shout, shocked to hear the usually quiet man raise his voice. They rushed towards his voice and turned into the alleyway. The red-clad man was staring at a rumbling pile of garbage backing away slowly.

"Look at what I found!"

The gigantic pile fell way as a spacecraft bigger than this town itself, rose of from the ground with loud noises making the ground quake.

"Cloud," Vincent said softly not taking his eyes off the gigantic object rising on long metal tentacles, "I think you're going to need a bigger sword."

The spacecraft rumbled and snaked one of its iron tentacles through the debris into the air. Then, suddenly, sharp claws burst from the tip.

"I don't think it wants to be friends," Reno muttered causing Cloud to roll his eyes.

They wielded their weapons ready to strike. The tentacle shot straight at them and they leaped out of the way as the metal appendage destroyed the street. Cloud jumped on one of the other tentacles running up it towards the underbelly of the ship. The others remained on the ground trying to distract it while Cloud went to strike at the heart. Right in the center of the belly of the ship were lights flashing in a circle. That must be the core. Cloud jumped and ran his sword through that center.

"Ah ha!" Cloud laughed in victory. He withdrew his sword, but as he turned he felt his body being pulled. The claws of the UFO gripped his body and wrenched him away from the underbelly and flung him away. He flipped onto his feet as he landed, sliding on the ground.

"What the hell happened?" Barret yelled at Cloud from the other side of the road, moving resolutely towards the young man.

"I thought it would work!" Cloud shouted back. "That's always how it is in the movies!"

Barret and the rest looked flabbergasted.

"Are you f#&$ing kidding me!" Barret shouted, a vein in his forehead bulging.

"I have never fought against a giant spaceship before, forgive me!"

"Both of you shut up! Just shut up!" Tifa yelled trying to keep both of them in focus.

"Me shut up? Why don't you shut up?" Barret yelled back.

"Excuse me?" Tifa looked aghast at Barrets tone towards her. "You don't tell me to shut up!"

The spacecraft made a rumbling sound as the blue light in front of the craft started to glow.

Cursing Vincent yelled to his comrades, "Get underneath it quick!"

The warriors ran as fast as they could towards alien vessel. They barely managed to dive out of the way, as the death beam hit the ground, running up through the town, effectively destroying it completely.

Their burning debris hit some of the humans and the heat of the beam scalded their skin, causing sunburn. They regained their wits and slowly stood. The UFO's tentacles retracted into the ship and it ascended into the dark cloudy sky disappearing into the black clouds.

The fighters were silent as they at the damage. The village was gone. Burned to the ground in a matter of seconds. Cloud glanced at the sky muttering, "We are so f#&$ed."

A/N: I will say I like Sephiroth better than Cloud, because the latter's "my life is crappy-angst, angst, angst, self-pity, angst," routine got old after a while. But Cloud's still okay. I have no qualms against Lady GaGa or her music. It was just a choice. Please Review.


	2. Part 2

Discliamer: As I have stated before, this story is AU and OOC because this is not meant to be serious. If you want a serious story to read this is not it.

Part 2

Back in Midgar, Cloud flung the door to the bar open, Barret and the others following him inside after failing to subdue one of the alien ships.

"What the hell happened out there!" Barret yelled after the blonde swordsman.

"What are you? A volleyball coach?" Cloud mumbled as Tifa began opening up the place.

Rude who had said really nothing since he and Reno informed them of the attacks spoke up, "Barret's right though, we are capable defeating the nastiest threats to this planet and we can't even put a scratch on one alien ship."

Cloud shrugged and popped a pretzel into his mouth, "Maybe we're rusty."

"I'll say," Yuffie scoffed as she sat at a table to prop her feet up.

"This still remains several of those spacecrafts running all around Gaia destroying the landscape," Tifa bent down and opened a bottle of Scotch for Barret to calm the large man's nerves.

"These are extraterrestrial beings with highly advanced technology, we shouldn't be so surprised that we couldn't defeat them on the first try," Aerith offered defending Cloud. Still she was panicking. As of now Gaia had not told her of any more destruction but she knew it would only be a matter of time before another of those ships will descend from the skies and destroy other cities.

Cloud was thinking, hard. As bitter as he usually was about life in general, he hated losing. An alien force with new technology, with new beings…

His head perked up, "Maybe we're going about it the wrong way…"

His comrades turned their heads towards him as he got off the stool, revelation in his eyes, "Maybe it takes an alien to defeat an alien…"

"I don't like where you're going with this," Vincent said cautiously.

Cloud was grinning like an idiot nodding his head as if the very thought was somehow arousing. "You know where I'm going with this."

Aerith realized what Cloud was thinking, "Surely can't mean…"

"Oh yeah…" Cloud waggled his eyebrows. "It's brilliant don't ya think?"

"What the hell is he on about?" Barret growled.

Aerith crossed her arms and gave Cloud a disapproving look, "He wants to somehow get Sephiroth to fight these things."

Barret nearly chocked on his Scotch, "SAY WHAT!"

"Are you insane!" Reno's face was comically contorted into disbelief, "Did you get too many cold-cocks to the head or what!"

"You have met Sephiroth, haven't you?" Yuffie exclaimed, "You know…tall guy, silver hair, bent on destroying everything on this planet…"

"Who better than that to take care of an entity capable of doing the same thing?"

The way Cloud sounded, it seemed like he was buttering up a piece of real estate to prospective buyers.

"Forget getting rid of the aliens! Sephiroth will cut us down before we even say 'hi'!" Reno cried, "How in the name of God do you propose we get him to fight these things?"

"There are a few ways…"

"And how do we find him?"

"I have an idea…"

* * *

Inside a small apartment building in the city of Edge, a tall, silvered-haired man sat at his desk. He was a notorious man, but was lying low, if that was possible, biding his time, waiting for the puppet to make a move. He was wearing business slacks, and a white dress-shirt and a loose tie around his neck. Sephiroth was on the phone, dealing with the credit card company, sipping his coffee.

"…_for more billing information say the number three. To activate your credit card, say the number four…"_

"Four," Sephiroth answered into the receiver.

"_I'm sorry, please repeat your request…"_

"FOUR," Sephiroth said again, raising his voice.

"_Please hold…a representative will be with you in just a moment."_

Cheesy music followed the automated message.

"At least the automated message sounded attractive," he murmured to himself, waiting for a reply.

Finally a man answered, "Customer service. How may I help you?"

Sephiroth lifted his card, "Hello, I'm here to activate a credit card."

Even as he said that he felt a presence outside his room.

"Okay sir, I need the activation code on the back of your card."

"Alright, er," Sephiroth's eyes flicked to his front door. Something was about to happen, "Can I call you guys back?"

He slammed down the phone right as Cloud burst through the door taking it off the hinges. The blonde charged after the man wrapping his arms about the silver haired SOLDIER general trying to tackle the taller man. He wasn't so successful and Sephiroth managed to wrench him from his waist. Cloud still reacted with a punch to Sephiroth's stomach. Sephiroth wrapped his arms around Cloud's neck, holding him at his side before throwing the smaller man across the room over the glass coffee table. Sephiroth charged after Cloud. Trying to shield himself, Cloud brought the coffee table up. The silver haired man brought his foot forwards crashing through the glass and into Cloud's stomach sending his opponent backwards into the wall.

Groaning, Cloud staggered back on his feet. Sephiroth loosened the buttons of his shirt putting his fists up in a boxing stance. Cloud wiped away the blood pouring from his broken nose and picked up a piece of glass, throwing it at his nemesis. Sephiroth easily deflected the shard, but Cloud charged and tackled him into the wooden desk, the furniture collapsing underneath the force of the two men. Sephiroth regained a grip on Cloud and reversed the tackle and wrestled him to the ground. He took one of Cloud's arms and brought it back, restraining the blonde young man on the ground, legs clamped around his neck. Cloud was grunting, feeling dangerous pressure on his arm as Sephiroth held him in the arm bar.

"Now you think you can beat me in hand-to-hand combat," Sephiroth jeered through his clenched teeth.

"This is… an entirely different… matter," Cloud growled, his face red from restricted oxygen.

Sephiroth pulled back and Cloud's arm snapped out of his socket, causing him to scream in pain. Cloud regained composure and managed wrestle out of Sephiroth's grasp. He spent no time trying to attack again and ran out of the apartment as quickly as possible.

Sephiroth didn't bother to chase after Cloud. Cloud's attack was completely random but not unexpected. He looked around the room and groaned at the sight of his broken coffee table, "Dammit! I just finished my payments for that."

With a sigh, he placed his hands on his hips looking at the damage in his apartment, "This is why I can't have nice things."

* * *

Back at the bar, Barret tended to Cloud's wounds since Aerith refused because of his stupidity. Cloud cried in pain as Barret put his arm back into his socket with a disgusting crunch.

"Boy, did he do a number on you."

"There is little surprising him," Cloud mumbled.

Vincent strode over, his arms crossed in a disapproving way, "And how exactly were you planning on convincing him by hacking into his BMV records for his location and attacking him randomly?"

"I thought that he would be so stunned that could not help but ask me what was going on."

"Congratulations!" Yuffie's smile immediately turned into a frown, "You failed…"

"Please tell me you are through with this scheme," Barret sighed.

Cloud shook his head, "Nope, I'm gonna give it one more go."

A collective groan filled the bar.

* * *

Cloud found his silver-haired nemesis in his usual leather outfit and sword. He was on top of a cliff in the deserts outside of a recently destroyed city. Cloud's friends were close behind him ready to back him up.

"What puppet? Here to destroy another coffee table of mine?" Sephiroth lifted his sword at the ready.

"I'm not here to fight you…I guess. Well…if you really want to fight I have no objections—"

"CLOUD!" his friends yelled.

"Alright, alright. Sephiroth, I know I'm going to regret this, but…we need your help."

Sephiroth lowered his sword, staring blankly at Cloud. Confused and looked around in mild disbelief.

"Wait…is this one of those TV prank shows?" he asked, a smile playing on his lips.

"C'mon, I being serious," Cloud whined.

Still, Sephiroth looked skeptical and he laughed. Actually laughed. "Me? Help you? What makes you think I would help you?"

"Because aliens are invading this planet and destroying the cities!" Cloud pointed to the burned city off in the distance behind him. Sephiroth turned around to where Cloud was pointing.

"Huh, would you look at that…" he said as if he was notified it was raining. "Still, you do realize this cuts my job short."

Cloud's band of warriors knew this was a bad idea. Surely Sephiroth would relish in this situation.

"But when all of us die, no one will see you as god or whatever. The aliens will be the ones to get all the credit."

Sephiroth was silent, his silver mane blowing in the soft wind. He was thinking, but his face was of stone. No thoughtful expression or anything.

"You got me. Let's kick some alien ass," Sephiroth said as he began walking towards the group ready to go where ever to destroy the aliens and reclaim his rightful place as the most dangerous entity on this planet.

Cloud held out his arm, "Hold on. I will take your sword."

"Like hell you will. You asked me for help. You don't get to set any stipulations."

"And I don't want you cutting us in our sleep. When we fight I will give it back."

Sephiroth gripped his incredibly long sword tighter, not willing to give Masamune up.

"Fine," Cloud's voice went higher, "I guess all the glory goes towards the aliens."

Growling, Sephiroth handed his sword over to Cloud. It hurt. Like he was giving up his arm, but he wasn't too concerned about it's safety.

"You break it, you bought it," Sephiroth mumbled. "Just like my coffee table…"

Cloud handed the long sword to Vincent and flashed a signal to the sky.

Cid's ship drew closer to the cliff and descended, landing, kicking up dust. One the dust settled, they boarded.

Now Cid was still in the dark about Cloud's plan, mostly because no one remembered to tell him. Cid was half-baked anyway, sitting in the driver's platform. He looked back seeing everyone board the ship safely. The last one to board was a tall silver-haired man. The scourge of Gaia.

Cid's brow furrowed but he didn't make any movements he just returned his gaze to his control board trying to think if he missed something.

"Cloud," he called, rubbing his eyes, "CLOUD!"

"WHAT! Dammit, what!" Cloud turned to the ship's captain and approached the deck.

"I may be hallucinatin' or maybe I missed a vital conversation, but isn't that Sephiroth?"

Cloud looked back at his nemesis, who was comfortably taking his seat as if he had already been in this ship before.

"Yeah, that's him."

Cid squeezed his eyes shut trying to jog his memory, "And correct me if I'm wrong, that's the same dude who wants to destroy the world with a huge rock."

"Yes, that's the guy."

"O.K, just so we're on the same page," the pilot sighed. Cloud smiled and patted the old man on the shoulder. He noticed a wrapped joint burning slowly in the ashtray in front of him.

"Is this pot?" Cloud asked picking the joint up, and sniffing it. "Have you been smoking weed?"

"Ah, no, man. It ain't mine…" Cid sniffed.

"Then why are your eyes are so bloodshot and glassy?"

"I got some dust in my eyes," Cid responded without hesitation.

Cloud smirked and walked away murmuring, "Sure you do…"

A/N: Told you this was a ridiculous story. And I was serious about that. BMV stands for Bureau of Motor Vehicles. Why Sephiroth needs a motor vehicle is beyond me, since he can pretty much fly everywhere. It was just a choice. Please Review.


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